These are Reported to be actual answers made by eleven
year olds to History tests:
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah
is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before
he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,
and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying, he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing
the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard
13. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice
for the same offence.
14. In medieval times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and
also wrote literature.
15. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.
16. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she
was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
17. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was
the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
18. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish
was to be laid by Juliet.
19. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
20. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
21. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called
Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was
responsible for all this.
22. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put
tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels
through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and
no longer had to pay for taxis.
23. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse
divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and
is still dead.
24. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed
the right to keep bare arms.
25. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built
with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln
went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a
moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
26. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the
autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
27. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster
which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very
28. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
29. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his
power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any
30. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire
is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the
longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman
who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers
to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did
the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx