by George Carlin
1) Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7) Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8) If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9) If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?
10) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11) Is there another word for synonym?
12) Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13) Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14) What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15) If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16) Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17) Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20) Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21) If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22) Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23) How do blind people know when they are done "wiping?"
24) How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25) Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26) What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27) I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are.