Random Observations on Life
Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my OWN pants.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said, "Implants?"
I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
I have my own little world. But it's OK . . . they know me here.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas . . . I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes . . . I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and butthead's.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."